Learning to Say No

One of the areas in my life in which I have self-identified as needing help is the art of saying no. I find that one of the reasons I don’t get ample sleep, is because I stay up late trying to complete a task that I committed myself to. This task could be very simple but due to the fact that my day is overloaded with other commitments in which I volunteered or agreed to, some things get re-prioritized. People often state that they want your honesty and can handle rejection, but this is hardly ever the case.

This realization was put into practice last night. I was having a casual conversation with a friend when she invited me to dinner with one of our Sorors. I politely declined the offer and was given the third degree about my decision. “Why don’t you want to have dinner? You are so social.” I stated that I didn’t have anything against the Soror in question but I just didn’t want to give up any of my personal time just for the sake of appearing “social”. This friend was really having a hard time hearing me say no. And I assume this is because no one is used to hearing me say NO. This becomes a problem because I feel this is how many people are taken advantage of. When you NEVER say no, you start getting a reputation as being “nice, friendly, and social” and to me this translates as a push-over.

My friend made my point in her rebuttal. She even stated that she thought I liked entertaining and being social. Please don’t get me wrong; I do love people. But there are so many of my close friends that I need to keep in touch with and reach out to that I don’t want to make time for those that don’t deserve it. Did that come out wrong?

The art of saying no has been a process. For instance, I am now trying to follow this without feeling the need to give a reason. Sometimes, I say no because I don’t feel like it. Sometimes, I say no, and don’t wish to follow it with a reason because I haven’t mastered how to let my comment come out without sounding like I am criticizing, complaining, or gossiping. Other times, I just don’t feel like a reason is necessary. However, it never fails; Someone gets offended by my response and demands a why statement.

I do consider this to be a 12-step process. In which I would like to claim that I have progressed to step 3.

Do you find yourself committing to things all because you haven’t learned how to say no?

The Financial FOUR

Is this the week of a full moon? I am not sure that the last week has really been weird. I think that is the only word that is appropriate. In the last seven days, I have had four requests asking for financial assistance.

The first text message was for help with a down payment for a car. She stated that she would pay me back next week when she got paid. Later, I found out that she was purchased an Acura TSX.
I have been burned by this statement before so I hold no truth to this. I responded with a very polite no.

The next day, the second request came as a text message and this friend asked to borrow (an undisclosed amount) money since she just moved back to the area from North Carolina and funds were night. As before, I didn’t respond because I have a hard core rule about asking for money via text. See Texting Etiquette. However, this situation disturbed me slightly because I offered HER a FREE place to reside while she got on her feet and she denied me because she said I lived too far. I get it..ok. But I offered you what I could AFFORD at the time--stability (a roof over your head, running water, and electricity) not financial assistance.

Two days later, I receive a text message from a family relative in South Carolina asking to borrow $50 until next week (See a pattern?). Staying true to my rule I didn’t respond, but I wondered 1) Was I supposed to wire her this money? 2) When she paid me back, was she going to include the wire charge? I am confident that I know the answer to these questions.

Immediately, I began to pray. I wondered what type of test/challenge was God preparing me for. If you read my blog regularly, you understand that I am a cheap skate and very frugal with my money. I am thankful for what I have but I strive to be wise in my financial decisions. Apparently, those on the outside take this as a front and do not believe that I am financially strapped when I say that I am.

In the past, I often commented that no one ever asked me for money. I assumed that meant that everyone understood I was in this struggle with them and did not have much disposable income. Sheesh! That theory went right out the door with spandex jeans.

So if you are keeping up, you realize that I only mentioned three so far. My fourth, and I pray my last, encounter came from an old colleague of mine. She actually CALLED! I don’t speak to her often so when she called my house phone, cell phone, house phone, and cell phone (in that order) , I knew that she wanted SOMETHING. A woman’s intuition is seldom wrong. She proceeded to give me a sob story about her cable and then closed with “So can I borrow $178 until...(you fill in the blank)?”. Yep, that’s right, NEXT WEEK!!!

All I could do at this point was chuckle. I explained to her that I wasn’t laughing at her struggle but I was really beginning to believe that this was my test. God, why me? Seriously, why?

I don’t wish to turn my friends down when they are in need, but money for a cable bill is just taking our friendship for granted. Do you know how long I went without cable in my life?? Cable is NOT a necessity. EVER!

You must agree, last week I entered the Twilight Zone...

7 Days 'til "Flirty Dirty Thirty"

Yep! I know you can’t contain yourself either, but in seven whole days, I will be 30 years old! I am celebrating the entire year with the theme of “Flirty Dirty Thirty”. This implies a fun, free, and fulfilled life...by any means necessary!

I am actually excited about this milestone. I remember the days when I felt like 30 was OLD and that was the set age that I needed to have my life “together”. However, I am actually at a good place in my life. While I do have complaints, my faith gives me comfort in dealing with this transition.

My bucket list has not been completed but I will celebrate my 30th birthday by knocking off three tasks: vacationing solo, parasailing, and visiting a nude beach. YIKES!!

In the meantime, I wanted to leave you with my birthday list. Even though money is a factor for me, I know it is no object for my loyal and faithful friends and followers.

In addition to cash, I would like:

1. Ipad
2. Mac desktop computer
3. Kindle
4. Bodybugg
5. Bike
6. my car detailed

My Movie Theater Boycott

On Friday night, I met my friend Nicole at the Fairfax Corner movie theater. She wanted to see “Backup Plan”. While I wasn’t too thrilled to see this movie, I decided to oblige.

Since this wasn’t planned out, we didn’t have any idea of the showtimes. When we walked in, I noticed that no one was in line, but instead people were standing outside of the line looking at the dashboard of titles and times.

It didn’t take long before I realized what everyone was looking at; the adult movie tickets were $15.25 and a child ticket was $12.75. My mouth dropped. I was appalled that this theater had the gall and audacity to charge astronomical prices for the entertainment of watching a movie!!

Without speaking a word, I did an about-face and headed out the theater. There was no way, I was going to pay $15 for a movie ticket. Nicole really wanted to see the movie and even offered to pay for my ticket. We stood there for a moment bringing attention to ourselves because I had to drag (almost literally) her out the door while I explained to her that at the price of $15 we could have PURCHASED the movie. I think that was the driving point in which she realized that I was right.

From this instance, it was decided that I must take a stand. When movie tickets were $9, I complained but I still went to the movies. The realization is that is what do as a society--complain with no action. So instead of joining the majority, I am officially boycotting all movie theaters in the Washington DC area. Whether I am paying or not, if we don’t patronize these venues, they can’t survive and they will be forced to charge us reasonable prices.

Is it not enough that we pay $3 for a small popcorn and $5 for a drink? At this rate, a family of four doesn’t stand a chance at the movie theater.

*stage exit left*

How far can you stretch $10?

I finally got around to filing my taxes!! Woo-hoo! To my surprise, I was refuded a grand total of $10. Seriously. I am happy that I do not owe, however, I feel like slapping someone for sending me a $10 check. How does this happen? I presently owe Federal $1000 and I get a refund from State for $1010. For the remainder of 2010, I need to start a business, obtain a husband, or pop out a few kids. In the meantime, I am looking for creative ways on spending this refund check since purchasing a Mac computer is now officially out the door. So far, I have come up with:

1. A hair cut at Hair Cuttery
2. 3 gallons of gas (Premium)
3. Two Footlong subs from Subway
4. Two value meals from McDonalds
5. A movie ticket (matinee)
6. 10 Redbox movie rentals
7. A car wash
8. a new-release CD
9. wine from the grocery store
10. a pay-per-view movie in a hotel room

Figured I would stop at 10 since this seems to by my lucky number. Hey, maybe I should buy 10 scratch-off lottery tickets.

Today, I Cried...

Well, if you know me well, you wouldn’t think this was blog worthy as I cry almost every day. It really doesn’t take much to make me drop a tear. I am sometimes an emotional wreck. I cry over TV shows, ALL Disney movies, and even from laughing too hard. Maybe, I should seek help over this.

However, this morning, I received a phone call from a close cousin of mine. He was calling to thank me for a card that I sent him. From my hectic life, I almost forgot that I sent him a card as it seemed like it was eons ago. I sent him a card out the blue just to simply let him know how wonderful I thought he was. I had a couple of friends that were in dead-end jobs and wanted/needed a career transition. Being the helper that I am, I immediately went into my networks and referred them to my cousin.

Without hesitation, he interviewed both friends and placed them in positions within the Federal Government that also gave them both a new career path. If you have ever been stuck in a rut, you would know how hard it is to even contemplate changing careers; yet alone find a position within the Federal Government. The fact that my cousin was in a position in his career to reach back and help those who desired to move upward was just phenomenal!

I wanted to express in words just how terrific I thought he was. There are people who sometimes get positions of power and forget that we should be helping those “less fortunate”. Or at least that is what I believe. What is the point of having power when you don’t use it for good?

My cousin expressed how heartfelt he thought the small gesture was and he said that I really made his day and probably even his week. We both started to get misty-eyed, but being the over achiever that I am, I took it a step above and… cried.

It is very true, that we never know what people are going through and sometimes it only takes a small act of kindness to make the world a better place in someone’s eyes. Sending that card didn’t even take 5 minutes of my time and the outcome was so rewarding to me. I was immediately full of warm fuzzies.

I am sure you have someone within the last week that ran across your mind for one reason or another. Send them a card. People love receiving good news in the mail. I used the service, SendOutCards to send my card to my cousin electronically. They even have a function where you can type your handwriting. You have to see it to believe it! Send out a free card or two on me www.cards2create.com

I promise you won’t regret it!

HBCU sex tapes

I struggled to write about this because 1) My blog is about ME 2)Writing about something this ignorant only feeds into the fire. However, I wanted to share my thoughts on this disgrace. Since misery loves company, I will start with the link and then we can talk about it...

FAMU SEX TAPE

so...I woke up at 2AM on yesterday and could not get back to sleep. I jumped on Twitter and the trending topics at that point where #NCATsextape and #FAMUsextape. Being an Aggie, I will admit I was immediately appalled. Within time, we dropped the rank of top 10 sites and the buzz was all about FAMU. My timeline was filled with links to the sex tape as well. (I need to give you the background before I confess...) I watched the sex tape.

The Uppity Negro has repeated my exact sentiments. Its a true disgrace, however, I did calm down when I realized that this is probably a hoax as NetNoir.com (one of his readers) commented.

At some point in the video one of the girls says something like "I love Miami" and the other girl corrects her and says "We are in Tallahassee". This was enough for me to believe that this tape was just to defame HBCUs.

And until someone comes out and says that one of these girls is in their English class, I am going to continue to wear my naive hat.

My SC Most Embarrassing Moments...

The instances below have made me bow my head in shame to say that I am from SC. Now that I healed from the embarrassment, I am ready to talk about these instances. In no particular order:


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SC: State attorney fired after Viagra and sex toy lunch break 'encounter' in cemetery w/stripper

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Stable owner catches man having sex with horse
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Governor Mark Sanford Admits to Extramarital Affair

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Joe Wilson says outburst to Obama speech 'spontaneous'

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S.C. Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer Compares Helping Poor to Feeding Stray Animals

Mr. Right

I received this email last Summer. I wanted to post it to receive your comments. When I forwarded the email, I received some very interesting replies...both positive and negative. Please share your thoughts.

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot; who calls you back

when you hang up on him; who will lie under the stars and listen to

your heartbeat; or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for

the boy who kisses your forehead; who wants to show you off to the

world when you are in sweats; who holds your hand in front of his

friends; who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on; One who

is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is

to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, "that's

her"....(author unknown/ )

Office Etiquette

This is my first time working in a cubicle setting and I must say…I don’t like it. Even though I blog about my life, I still consider myself a fairly private person. When in an office cubicle setting, your business is not your own. In the spirit of Emily Post etiquette lessons, I have created a few ways in which one should conduct oneself to remain courteous and respect to co-workers. Please feel free to add on to this list.

1. Speak when entering a room. You were taught manners; please don’t shame your parents.

2. Not to contradict number one, but please don’t speak pertinent business to someone (ME) on the way to their (MY) desk. You should allow this person to get to their desk, put down their pocketbook, and turn on their computer.

3. If you send me an email, you do not have to come to my desk to ask if I received it. Please trust that the Internet/server/world wide web will do its magic and I will receive it in less than 30 seconds.

4. Do not bring fish to lunch. Period.

5. Use your inside voice when talking on the phone. Your co-workers do not care to know the personal affairs in your life.

6. Casual Friday does not justify wearing skinny sweatpants. Don’t mess it up for everyone!

7. Those who gossip to you, will gossip about you. Do not participate in office gossip or rumors.

8. Keep personal and work life separate. No matchmaking, no dating co-workers, and no hanging out with them on weekends. Trust me. This is best.

9. Don’t hover while a co-worker is on the phone or typing a personal document. Leave a note and they will get to you when they are free and available.

10. Mute your cell phone. No one wants to hear Khia “My Neck, My Back” every 15 minutes when your phone rings.

Questions That Annoy Me

I try my best not to show when I am bothered, agitated, or annoyed. However, there are five questions that I thought were worthy of sharing as I strongly wish you would not ever ask me these.

1. How was work?
I am sure you are just asking me this question because you think it shows you care. However, I know you don’t. There is no way you are genuinely interested in what I did the last 8 hours of my day. And how am I so sure of this? I really don’t have a purpose in knowing what you did the last 8 hours. If something exciting and newsworthy happened, then please do share. Otherwise, spare me with the boring details.

2. Do you know how to cook?
This question only comes from a male. It always follows when he realizes that I am from South Carolina. The perception is that everyone from South Carolina knows how to cook. First, my problem is with the vagueness of this question. What are you asking me if I know how to cook? Do you want to know if I can cook grits? Fried chicken? Or collard greens? Second, I promise you those who answer, yes, probably aren’t contestants on Iron Chef America. And the majority of the people, who do cook, also are confident that they CAN cook. Now, it’s not my duty to tell people that their food isn’t as tasty as they claim. (Please don’t make me call names…lol) This question is very relative.

3. What is your story? /Tell Me About Yourself.
I hate this question when interviewers ask it, and I abhor it when asked in my personal life. Are your expecting me to tell you the good and the bad of my life within 5 minutes? Is this your way of saying that you want to get to know me but you don’t have the time and energy to let nature take its course? Considering that I blog, I would like to think that my thoughts and opinions are obvious. If there is something that I don’t cover in this blog, follow me on twitter. I am sure within no time; you will understand what makes Heather tick.

4. Are you still here?
I have once prayed for invisible powers in many situations in my life, but currently no luck. However, when someone is looking me directly in my eyes and still ask me if I am still here, I never know how to respond. Should I just stare, ignore it, or reply in a very sarcastic manner.

5. When are you getting married?
I’m sorry, but did you meet someone who told you that I was the reason on why we haven’t walked down the aisle? Further, have I introduced you to someone that I even thought was worthy to be Mr. Gibbs? Someone that I told you I could stomach for longer than 3 months? Let me save you time in thinking about it, the answer is NO! As for when I will get married, Jesus and I are still working out the details. When we come to a consensus, you will be the first to know…maybe.

While the matter of these questions is mostly light-hearted, please know there is some truth. Do you have any questions that annoy you?

No more Superstitions

I grew up in the South, so every new year I stuff my face and my gut with collard greens and hoppin John. Together, I believed this meal would bring me money and good luck. Now, I want to preface by saying, that I am not complaining, but I just think that as much as I ate collard greens, I should be able to afford an iMac computer. You get my drift?

So for 2010, I decided to do things opposite as I have done in the past. I wanted to prove that I don’t believe in Superstitions and instead rely on my faith in God. Therefore, I rang in my new year, at home, alone. No friends, no family, no champagne. My house was not as clean as it should have been, I had week-old sheets on my bed, clothes not hung up, floors not mopped or vacuumed. In addition, my car was not filled with gas and my Christmas tree and decorations were still up.

It was a struggle to not do as I have been accustomed the past 29 years, but I am on a mission to prove a point. So stay with me. However, as hard as I tried not to continue my superstitious ways, there was one tradition that I just couldn’t afford to gamble with. And that is wearing red underwear to bring me love in the new year.

I have even contemplated wearing red underwear the entire month of January and February, just to ensure “I win in 2010”.