Self-Sabotage: Are you guilty?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” ---Marianne Williamson

The older I get, the wiser I become, or so I would like to believe. I often try to give myself a self assessment in which I ponder my actions and words in a given situation. There is very little in my life that I regret and I think that is because I am usually cautious about the words, actions, and thoughts that I conceive.

However, occasionally, I think I am guilty of self-sabotage. I am sure that my family and close friends would describe me as even-keeled. There is little that upsets me. And if I do get upset, I don’t fester on it. I have learned not to hold grudges no matter how much I feel you may have deceived, hurt, or betrayed me. So, in my mind, it appears that I might come across as nonchalant or maybe insensitive.

For instance, if there is a guy that I like but he doesn’t like me to the extent that I like him, I can immediately point out all of his flaws and then I will follow that with all the reasons that he is stupid and doesn’t need to be in my life. For real! It kind of like a hidden talent. Pick a celebrity and I will give you reasons on why he doesn’t deserve you. Because to me, a guy HAS to be insane not to like me!! Now, this is where the problem lies…I think my parents have instilled so much self-confidence in me, that it’s ridiculous. I am almost 30 years old and don’t think I have ever been in love.

If a relationship ended, I was able to console myself and “get over it”. As I reflect on this, I don’t think this is a good thing. I have never been in that stage where slow songs on the radio made me cry, or where I didn’t go to school/church/work because I was so depressed over a breakup, or where I even stalked a guy. Not because I am so mature, but because I always felt like it was his lost and not mine.

Now let me clarify and explain, I have always ended my relationships *knocks on wood*, but maybe that is why I have been the one to end it. I think deep down, I might have been sabotaging my chance at happiness. I was too afraid of success. Kind of like, I didn’t want to be too happy because then I would be hurt. There are things in my life that I do take a chance on but in the end, they aren’t the things that really matter to ME.

Professionally, I have always wanted to change jobs when I felt like I mastered my current task. I do get bored often, but instead of wanting to commit to my current position and just move up the career ladder, I would rather pick a whole new career and start all over. This can’t be the norm because everyone else around me seems so content with staying in the same position/company for the rest of their career. And to me, I can’t fathom the thought! In my mind, the world is my oyster… (whatever that means, right? ) Then I start to wonder, Am I just that dynamic of an individual or was I sabotaging my success?

MindTools states, The tell-tale sign that you are sabotaging your self is when you grind to a halt when you're trying to achieve your goals, for no rational reason. The skill, ability and desire are there: It's just that something stops you moving forward.

When you feel that you can't do something you should be able to do, or that you shouldn't do something, even though you know deep down that you want or need to do it, self-sabotage is at work.

I feel like I have done the hard part: Admitting my faults. Now I need to find the correct steps to rectify what I deem as a gallimaufry in my life. Because of this, I am not giving of myself 110% in my professional or personal life like I know I can.

Have you ever thought of yourself as sabotaging your future?