Learning to Say No

One of the areas in my life in which I have self-identified as needing help is the art of saying no. I find that one of the reasons I don’t get ample sleep, is because I stay up late trying to complete a task that I committed myself to. This task could be very simple but due to the fact that my day is overloaded with other commitments in which I volunteered or agreed to, some things get re-prioritized. People often state that they want your honesty and can handle rejection, but this is hardly ever the case.

This realization was put into practice last night. I was having a casual conversation with a friend when she invited me to dinner with one of our Sorors. I politely declined the offer and was given the third degree about my decision. “Why don’t you want to have dinner? You are so social.” I stated that I didn’t have anything against the Soror in question but I just didn’t want to give up any of my personal time just for the sake of appearing “social”. This friend was really having a hard time hearing me say no. And I assume this is because no one is used to hearing me say NO. This becomes a problem because I feel this is how many people are taken advantage of. When you NEVER say no, you start getting a reputation as being “nice, friendly, and social” and to me this translates as a push-over.

My friend made my point in her rebuttal. She even stated that she thought I liked entertaining and being social. Please don’t get me wrong; I do love people. But there are so many of my close friends that I need to keep in touch with and reach out to that I don’t want to make time for those that don’t deserve it. Did that come out wrong?

The art of saying no has been a process. For instance, I am now trying to follow this without feeling the need to give a reason. Sometimes, I say no because I don’t feel like it. Sometimes, I say no, and don’t wish to follow it with a reason because I haven’t mastered how to let my comment come out without sounding like I am criticizing, complaining, or gossiping. Other times, I just don’t feel like a reason is necessary. However, it never fails; Someone gets offended by my response and demands a why statement.

I do consider this to be a 12-step process. In which I would like to claim that I have progressed to step 3.

Do you find yourself committing to things all because you haven’t learned how to say no?

The Financial FOUR

Is this the week of a full moon? I am not sure that the last week has really been weird. I think that is the only word that is appropriate. In the last seven days, I have had four requests asking for financial assistance.

The first text message was for help with a down payment for a car. She stated that she would pay me back next week when she got paid. Later, I found out that she was purchased an Acura TSX.
I have been burned by this statement before so I hold no truth to this. I responded with a very polite no.

The next day, the second request came as a text message and this friend asked to borrow (an undisclosed amount) money since she just moved back to the area from North Carolina and funds were night. As before, I didn’t respond because I have a hard core rule about asking for money via text. See Texting Etiquette. However, this situation disturbed me slightly because I offered HER a FREE place to reside while she got on her feet and she denied me because she said I lived too far. I get it..ok. But I offered you what I could AFFORD at the time--stability (a roof over your head, running water, and electricity) not financial assistance.

Two days later, I receive a text message from a family relative in South Carolina asking to borrow $50 until next week (See a pattern?). Staying true to my rule I didn’t respond, but I wondered 1) Was I supposed to wire her this money? 2) When she paid me back, was she going to include the wire charge? I am confident that I know the answer to these questions.

Immediately, I began to pray. I wondered what type of test/challenge was God preparing me for. If you read my blog regularly, you understand that I am a cheap skate and very frugal with my money. I am thankful for what I have but I strive to be wise in my financial decisions. Apparently, those on the outside take this as a front and do not believe that I am financially strapped when I say that I am.

In the past, I often commented that no one ever asked me for money. I assumed that meant that everyone understood I was in this struggle with them and did not have much disposable income. Sheesh! That theory went right out the door with spandex jeans.

So if you are keeping up, you realize that I only mentioned three so far. My fourth, and I pray my last, encounter came from an old colleague of mine. She actually CALLED! I don’t speak to her often so when she called my house phone, cell phone, house phone, and cell phone (in that order) , I knew that she wanted SOMETHING. A woman’s intuition is seldom wrong. She proceeded to give me a sob story about her cable and then closed with “So can I borrow $178 until...(you fill in the blank)?”. Yep, that’s right, NEXT WEEK!!!

All I could do at this point was chuckle. I explained to her that I wasn’t laughing at her struggle but I was really beginning to believe that this was my test. God, why me? Seriously, why?

I don’t wish to turn my friends down when they are in need, but money for a cable bill is just taking our friendship for granted. Do you know how long I went without cable in my life?? Cable is NOT a necessity. EVER!

You must agree, last week I entered the Twilight Zone...