Self-Sabotage: Are you guilty?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” ---Marianne Williamson

The older I get, the wiser I become, or so I would like to believe. I often try to give myself a self assessment in which I ponder my actions and words in a given situation. There is very little in my life that I regret and I think that is because I am usually cautious about the words, actions, and thoughts that I conceive.

However, occasionally, I think I am guilty of self-sabotage. I am sure that my family and close friends would describe me as even-keeled. There is little that upsets me. And if I do get upset, I don’t fester on it. I have learned not to hold grudges no matter how much I feel you may have deceived, hurt, or betrayed me. So, in my mind, it appears that I might come across as nonchalant or maybe insensitive.

For instance, if there is a guy that I like but he doesn’t like me to the extent that I like him, I can immediately point out all of his flaws and then I will follow that with all the reasons that he is stupid and doesn’t need to be in my life. For real! It kind of like a hidden talent. Pick a celebrity and I will give you reasons on why he doesn’t deserve you. Because to me, a guy HAS to be insane not to like me!! Now, this is where the problem lies…I think my parents have instilled so much self-confidence in me, that it’s ridiculous. I am almost 30 years old and don’t think I have ever been in love.

If a relationship ended, I was able to console myself and “get over it”. As I reflect on this, I don’t think this is a good thing. I have never been in that stage where slow songs on the radio made me cry, or where I didn’t go to school/church/work because I was so depressed over a breakup, or where I even stalked a guy. Not because I am so mature, but because I always felt like it was his lost and not mine.

Now let me clarify and explain, I have always ended my relationships *knocks on wood*, but maybe that is why I have been the one to end it. I think deep down, I might have been sabotaging my chance at happiness. I was too afraid of success. Kind of like, I didn’t want to be too happy because then I would be hurt. There are things in my life that I do take a chance on but in the end, they aren’t the things that really matter to ME.

Professionally, I have always wanted to change jobs when I felt like I mastered my current task. I do get bored often, but instead of wanting to commit to my current position and just move up the career ladder, I would rather pick a whole new career and start all over. This can’t be the norm because everyone else around me seems so content with staying in the same position/company for the rest of their career. And to me, I can’t fathom the thought! In my mind, the world is my oyster… (whatever that means, right? ) Then I start to wonder, Am I just that dynamic of an individual or was I sabotaging my success?

MindTools states, The tell-tale sign that you are sabotaging your self is when you grind to a halt when you're trying to achieve your goals, for no rational reason. The skill, ability and desire are there: It's just that something stops you moving forward.

When you feel that you can't do something you should be able to do, or that you shouldn't do something, even though you know deep down that you want or need to do it, self-sabotage is at work.

I feel like I have done the hard part: Admitting my faults. Now I need to find the correct steps to rectify what I deem as a gallimaufry in my life. Because of this, I am not giving of myself 110% in my professional or personal life like I know I can.

Have you ever thought of yourself as sabotaging your future?

Congratulations or Condolences?

You are having a baby. Babies are a blessing but just because you have learned how to make a baby doesn’t mean you are qualified to bring life into this world. Sometimes, I am thrown because I don’t know if say Congratulations or Condolences. There are various circumstances that call for condolences. Because I favor list, here are the Top Ten signs that you should NOT have a baby…

1. If you don’t have a husband. Being a single parent is not easy, desired, or fun. Bring this child up the way God intended.

2. If you just asked me to borrow $200. I doubt you will be able to afford diapers. And no, I do not want to be the Godmother.

3. If you still live with your parents. I am not frowning on this, because I sure wish I could move into my parents’ home, but it’s not fair for you to bring another mouth into this world, when you are still being supported by someone else.

4. You only want a baby because everyone else your age has one. Peer pressure has never worked on me like that. And if this affects you, you still have some maturing to do.

5. You are unemployed. Babies=money. Who is paying for that formula? Better yet, who is paying the hospital bill without any insurance?

6. If you are scared to apply for a job because you won’t pass the drug test. Not responsible enough to be in charge of someone else’s life.

7. If the person you have conceived this child with has put a restraining order on you. This is no environment to raise a healthy baby in.

8. If you feel like you NEED to have one to silence the rumors or keep your parents off your back. A baby is a serious matter and should be wanted and not needed.

9. If you think the child will make him love you. You are sadly mistaken. It will keep him in your life for the next 18 years, but it might not be in the manner you expected.

10. If you are over the age of 45. Yes, we are living longer and the child-bearing age has escalated, but there are still serious risks that you and your baby could face if you choose to become pregnant.

Why don't you take me seriously?

Last year, my doctor/therapist told me how she felt I didn’t handle stress well. She said that I more of a listener than a talker. In other words, I at time internalize others problems/issues and don’t vent about what is bothering me to others.

When I shared this with a few close friends, they agreed with her. I found this so hard to believe. I feel like every time I open my mouth I am complaining about something. At least it is good to know that my friends don’t view me as Negative Nelly. However, I try to always have a solution to my problem. As that is a pet peeve of mine. I don’t like when others constantly bicker, nag, and complain and never even offer a resolution on how to overcome the problem.

What upsets me is when I hear how people, more specifically my friends don’t take me serious. And why not? The most recent statements have come from my wishes/wants of getting a roommate, wanting a new job, and desiring to move South. To me, none of these things are outrageous.

Nonetheless, as I reflect, I am now realizing that the doctor and my friends could be right. Subconsciously, this could be why I don’t share or vent my problems, as often. And who do I blame? The naysayers in my life. My naysayers aren’t necessarily negative in the sense that they knock down all my dreams and wishes. But they are passive pessimistic. They simply don’t believe anything I say. So why does this bother me so much?

Because it makes me feel I am a liar. Why else would you not believe me? It makes me feel like my close friends have no faith or belief in me. It makes me feel like while my friends are there to listen to me vent, they secretly think my resolution is ridiculous! (gasp)

So now that I have become armed with this revelation, where do I go from here? I have no idea. I don’t love these people any less, just wanted to vent…

Texting Etiquette

Texting has become the norm for most individuals with a cell phone. So much, so that picking up the telephone to have a conversation has become taboo. In my short life, I have witnessed so many inappropriate information shared via text messages. I searched google to see if Emily Post has ever addressed this issue. Since I couldn't find anything relating the the texting subjects, I decided to give Emily a heads up. Below are the No-No's...

1. Emergency situation (house on fire, hospitalization of anyone, stolen car)

2. Asking for financial assistance

3. Asking for favors that are time sensitive

4. Informing a guy that he is now a father

5. Ending a romantic relationship/Divorce

6. Telling a partner about your STD status (positive or negative)

7. Booty text (texting late night hours asking for a forbidden sexual act)

8. Marriage proposals

9. Sad news (chronic illness, death)

10. Confidential/private business-related matters

Can you think of anything else I might have missed?

30 things to do before you turn 30

As I approach 30, I have decided to finalize my bucket list. Below are items that I feel all women should accomplish before they reach the ripe age of 30! And even though, I have achieved the a vast majority of these, I still feel all items serve a real purpose in the lives of women.

1. Brazilian wax
2. Tattoo
3. Nude beach
4. Run a marathon
5. Skydive
6. Pay off Credit Card
7. Buy a pair of expensive designer shoes
8. Visit Paris
9. Purchase a home
10. Attend a Broadway show on Broadway
11. Oprah show (audience or guest)
12. Purchase a handgun
13. Create a website all about me
14. Become a certified bartender
15. Fall in love
16. Ask a guy out
17. Read the bible all the way through
18. Stop chewing/biting nails
19. Learn/invest in stock market
20. Learn to Golf
21. Visit one of the 7 wonders of the world
22. Learn to tie a cherry stem with your tongue
23. Solve a Rubik cube
24. Take a hot air balloon ride
25. Learn the thriller dance
26. Buy a complete stranger dinner
27. Parasail
28. Learn to sew
29. Take a vacation by yourself
30. Learn to drive stick shift

Chivalry Is Dead

This evening I had a male friend come over to visit. When he arrived, I was in my driveway shoveling snow with the assistance of my female neighbor. Not only did he not acknowledge me, but he proceeded to walk in my house. My neighbor and I were in my driveway for over almost two hours scraping and shoveling. At no point, did my male friend come back out the house and offer to help.

Which leads me to my question... Is chivalry really dead or is my friend just rude?

I have a few friends that tend to think the reason I am single is because I am very hard on males. However, I think that my expectations and standards are justified. How can you call yourself a Man but you can't help a lady in distress? Why is that men feel women are supposed to cook a meal for them even though they can't take out the trash?

I honestly don't mind cooking for people I care about, but men should not feel like this is how you get a man. To me, cooking should be a labor of love. And why should I pour out my love when you can't help me shovel my driveway? Now, really, this was a friend that I am complaining about but this friend should still be aware of how to treat a lady. So whose responsibility is it to teach our men how to be men? Mama or Daddy?

Either way, this single life is looking very appealing when I keep encountering trifling men....